So I'm posting from my bathroom this morning. This may sound like more information than you really need but I promise there is nothing too gross going on. I am fully clothed and even sitting in an easy chair. (yes we have a very large bathroom, lol). I'm addressing Z's potty training this weekend and we have made the upstairs bathroom potty training central.
We have been potty training Z since he's been 3 with not so great results until this last year. It's interesting how autism plays into this. Z hit age three and I went into potty training mode. EPIC FAIL. It was horrible. I was in tears, he was confused and nothing worked. It was a mess, literally. We decided to wait although we would talk about how we go to the bathroom and encourage him to change his pants and sit on the toilet but he really didn't understand the whole bathroom idea.
Looking back now I totally get it. Z stayed at about a 10mo level socially and verbally for about 3 years. He continued to develop growth wise and would walk, climb, move around, etc but his speech and how he interacted was really how a 10mo would interact. By the time he was 3 he was able to get to about an 12-18mo age level for another several years until he was about 5-6. When he was about 7 we saw him become much more aware of us. He, for the first time, actually seemed to notice we were there and look for us when separated which was not something we had had before. This was also the beginning of more verbal language from Z and echolalia or repeating of words or phrases that he hears. At this point he was testing at about a 2 to 2 1/2 year level. We are still at that level. If you think about it, Z is just now getting to the point that he is actually ready for potty training. Go figure. Wish I had known that back when he was two!
So this year we began potty training. He rocked it with learning how to pee in the toilet! Whoo Hoo. We have, however, hit the wall when it comes to doing the other part in the toilet. It's just been 9 years of being able to to go a quite place and be alone and lay in whatever position is comfortable for him and to change now to sitting on a hard, cold, white thing is not an easy transition. So after trying multiple approaches and doing multiple loads of laundry every day we are now at the camping in the bathroom phase.
I super cleaned the bathroom first and then moved in an easy chair and an Ikea kids table and chair for Z. We have a computer, ipad, snacks, drinks, zhu zhu pets, blankets, pillows, and music to keep us entertained. We are working on getting him to go in the pull-up first and then once he goes in the pull-up in the bathroom only we'll work on sitting on the potty. It's all about baby steps.
So, here I am. Never thought I'd be here but it's not so bad. I love spending time with Z and I'm getting lots of kisses. Brandon and J are keeping us supplied with food and drinks and Brandon gives me a break from the bathroom when he can, which I am truly thankful for.
So it begins. Z is a pretty smart kid so I think we will pick up on this quickly. That is my hope, anyways. Until then I am truly grateful for a large bathroom!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
Bad things happen
I know I've been away from the blog for many days and I'm very sorry about that. We had a big event at church last weekend and then this whole week I've been feeling pretty lousy so the blog has taken a back seat but I wanted to write a few things down today.
Last night there was a horrible event in Aurora, Colorado. A gunman opened fire into a movie theater and shot people/children watching the latest batman movie. I have to admit, this hit home for me. Brandon loves the batman series, especially the movies, and already had purchased a ticket for a showing this weekend. After the events of last night I have to admit I'm worried about him going to the theater and seeing the movie. What if someone hears about the attention this guy in Colorado is getting and thinks this is a good idea and wants to do it himself? What if this is just the beginning and there are others out there ready to do the same thing in other movie theaters? Do I really want him to go? Is it fair to ask him not to? Is it unpatriotic to ask him not to?
I am not stopping Brandon from going to see the movie. I am also not asking him not to go. I know he really wants to see it and I know how much he has been looking forward to it. Will I be worried? Sure, but I can deal with that. It's more important that I realize that things happen out of our control and we have to just realize that there is nothing we can really do about them. We just have to keep on living. Life happens. It happens with the boys, with me, with Gemini, with Brandon, with the church, with extended family, on and on and on. I am affected by it (I will still worry more while Brandon is at the movie than I would have normally) but I don't have to let it completely change the way I live my life or cause me to life in fear, anger, frustration, hatred, or other ways that limit my ability to live or minister. If I do that then the darkness wins and I never want that.
So last night was a Dark Night, but it's now a Sunny Day and we are choosing to live it to the fullest.
Last night there was a horrible event in Aurora, Colorado. A gunman opened fire into a movie theater and shot people/children watching the latest batman movie. I have to admit, this hit home for me. Brandon loves the batman series, especially the movies, and already had purchased a ticket for a showing this weekend. After the events of last night I have to admit I'm worried about him going to the theater and seeing the movie. What if someone hears about the attention this guy in Colorado is getting and thinks this is a good idea and wants to do it himself? What if this is just the beginning and there are others out there ready to do the same thing in other movie theaters? Do I really want him to go? Is it fair to ask him not to? Is it unpatriotic to ask him not to?
I am not stopping Brandon from going to see the movie. I am also not asking him not to go. I know he really wants to see it and I know how much he has been looking forward to it. Will I be worried? Sure, but I can deal with that. It's more important that I realize that things happen out of our control and we have to just realize that there is nothing we can really do about them. We just have to keep on living. Life happens. It happens with the boys, with me, with Gemini, with Brandon, with the church, with extended family, on and on and on. I am affected by it (I will still worry more while Brandon is at the movie than I would have normally) but I don't have to let it completely change the way I live my life or cause me to life in fear, anger, frustration, hatred, or other ways that limit my ability to live or minister. If I do that then the darkness wins and I never want that.
So last night was a Dark Night, but it's now a Sunny Day and we are choosing to live it to the fullest.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Water, Water, Everywhere!
Z loves water. This has been a consistent theme throughout his life. It's amusing the various ways this manifests itself, however. Let me explain.
For instance. Z loves to take baths. He loves to have bubbles in the bath and then eat the bubbles (I'm not sure if this has the potential to make his sick but I do make sure to buy liquid soaps that have nice fruity scents just in case). When he finishes the bubbles he wants us to run more water to make more bubbles. If we refuse he begins to create tsunamis. He throws his body from one end of the tub to the other and sloshing as much water as he can up the sides of the tub. Makes me wish we had just given him bubbles. Occasionally we can lure him out of the tub by singing "bath time is over....", but we have to be very prepared because if we aren't we have a naked, wet, possibly soapy child running through the house, and if we are really having a bad day, into the backyard.
Since it's summer we have added a new dimension to the bath scenario and Grandpa helped. Grandpa brought over an extra plastic pool he and Grandma had at their house and the pool has replaced the tub. For instance, this morning Z was in the tub before school, after school, before dinner, and after dinner. The best part is no bubbles!! Worst part is the backyard is much less air conditioned then the bathroom. Oh well. He's happy as a clam. His most favorite thing to do is to sit in the tub and have the sprinkler on sprinkling him. True bliss.
Z also likes to watch water running. He enjoys seeing the water in the kitchen or bathroom sink and enjoys the feel of it on his skin or watching it splash into the water collecting in the basin. He loves this so much. You just have to make sure that he aware of how full the basin is, otherwise things get really, really wet. (go figure). There have been times where I have had Z set up at the kitchen sink with a couple of yellow rubber ducks and a half sink full of water and he's been in water bliss for 30 minutes or more. There have also been times where we've had to turn off the water under the sink because he can't leave the water alone and we are in fear of needing to build an ark.
Z also likes to drink water. It's his favorite drink and really the only thing he does drink other than sometimes lemonade and his white grape juice with his morning medicine. He comes into our bed when he wakes up in the morning and without fail within 5 minutes of arriving, or less, he asks for a drink of water. Thus it begins. He drinks, a lot. He has had a sippy cup we got several years ago from dollar general that looks like a water bottle but does not leak. It was fantastic and we were able to get almost a dozen of them. Well, time has passed and we are down to our last one. Dollar general doesn't carry them anymore so we are once again on the lookout for an option for Z to use to drink his water. There are several components we need for this cup. It has to have a one way valve. This is because Z likes to drink in various places and we like to sit on those places and get up with a dry butt afterwards. We also need one that is not a straw as he just chews on them until they are a mess. Been there done that. The last thing we need is something that does not look too babyish.
Z also likes to be in water, swimming. He loved being at Family Camp and going to the "Ocean". He would sit in the waves and have them hit his body. He would wander out as far as I would let him and move among the waves. When we go to public pools he loves the slides and wants to be in the middle of everything, splashing and jumping. He is such a water baby. One of his favorite parts of camp was riding in the speed boats and on the jet skis. Over and over and over again. Happy as a clam.
I've learned to take extra clothes and extra shoes. We love crocs and bare feet. We keep towels handy and know not to let Z take a bath without constant supervision. With those accommodations Z's love affair with water will continue. We will continue to figure out ways to allow him to interact with this medium that brings him such joy and entertainment.
For instance. Z loves to take baths. He loves to have bubbles in the bath and then eat the bubbles (I'm not sure if this has the potential to make his sick but I do make sure to buy liquid soaps that have nice fruity scents just in case). When he finishes the bubbles he wants us to run more water to make more bubbles. If we refuse he begins to create tsunamis. He throws his body from one end of the tub to the other and sloshing as much water as he can up the sides of the tub. Makes me wish we had just given him bubbles. Occasionally we can lure him out of the tub by singing "bath time is over....", but we have to be very prepared because if we aren't we have a naked, wet, possibly soapy child running through the house, and if we are really having a bad day, into the backyard.
Since it's summer we have added a new dimension to the bath scenario and Grandpa helped. Grandpa brought over an extra plastic pool he and Grandma had at their house and the pool has replaced the tub. For instance, this morning Z was in the tub before school, after school, before dinner, and after dinner. The best part is no bubbles!! Worst part is the backyard is much less air conditioned then the bathroom. Oh well. He's happy as a clam. His most favorite thing to do is to sit in the tub and have the sprinkler on sprinkling him. True bliss.
Z also likes to watch water running. He enjoys seeing the water in the kitchen or bathroom sink and enjoys the feel of it on his skin or watching it splash into the water collecting in the basin. He loves this so much. You just have to make sure that he aware of how full the basin is, otherwise things get really, really wet. (go figure). There have been times where I have had Z set up at the kitchen sink with a couple of yellow rubber ducks and a half sink full of water and he's been in water bliss for 30 minutes or more. There have also been times where we've had to turn off the water under the sink because he can't leave the water alone and we are in fear of needing to build an ark.
Z also likes to drink water. It's his favorite drink and really the only thing he does drink other than sometimes lemonade and his white grape juice with his morning medicine. He comes into our bed when he wakes up in the morning and without fail within 5 minutes of arriving, or less, he asks for a drink of water. Thus it begins. He drinks, a lot. He has had a sippy cup we got several years ago from dollar general that looks like a water bottle but does not leak. It was fantastic and we were able to get almost a dozen of them. Well, time has passed and we are down to our last one. Dollar general doesn't carry them anymore so we are once again on the lookout for an option for Z to use to drink his water. There are several components we need for this cup. It has to have a one way valve. This is because Z likes to drink in various places and we like to sit on those places and get up with a dry butt afterwards. We also need one that is not a straw as he just chews on them until they are a mess. Been there done that. The last thing we need is something that does not look too babyish.
Z also likes to be in water, swimming. He loved being at Family Camp and going to the "Ocean". He would sit in the waves and have them hit his body. He would wander out as far as I would let him and move among the waves. When we go to public pools he loves the slides and wants to be in the middle of everything, splashing and jumping. He is such a water baby. One of his favorite parts of camp was riding in the speed boats and on the jet skis. Over and over and over again. Happy as a clam.
I've learned to take extra clothes and extra shoes. We love crocs and bare feet. We keep towels handy and know not to let Z take a bath without constant supervision. With those accommodations Z's love affair with water will continue. We will continue to figure out ways to allow him to interact with this medium that brings him such joy and entertainment.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
I can't believe you said that
Brandon is in the midst of a preaching series that he spoke while at Joni and Friends Family Camp. Today was 2 of 3 and the one where we address bringing in those who have been invisible. I highly recommend listening to it and not just because Brandon is my husband. I'll try to include a link to the sermon once its up on our church's website. I will warn you now that what I am about to write is going to be written from a very raw, angry, and frustrated place. If you wish to not continue reading I respect that. If you do continue reading read at your own risk. You may not like what I say and to be honest I may not like what I say tomorrow and if I don't I will apologize for it, but this is what I have to say today. Consider yourself warned.
Our church does not have a disability ministry. Therefore for the last several years Zachary and I have had to stay home on Sunday mornings from church and Sunday school. We have just basically dealt with this and figured it was something that had to be endured for the sake of ministry. There were Sunday's where I would sneak off to other churches that had programs for children with disabilities but we always ran the risk of offending people in our congregation by my doing this. One time we got "caught" when I went to hear Chuck Colson's daughter speak about her son Max at Willow Creek and there was some displeasure expressed that I was going to another church. So, Zach and I say home.
I'm tired of staying home. I'd like to be at church. I miss worship. I miss seeing people. I miss hearing my husband's sermons in their entirety as opposed to the snippets that get run by me throughout the week. Or watching them on the internet. I've stood by and tried to gently show that we don't quite fit in. We tried to come for Easter but Zach trying to play the instruments didn't go so well so we only lasted 5 minutes.
It's not only us and that is what Brandon and Ali are trying to show with their preaching these last few weeks. There are so many families out there that are isolated on Sunday mornings or splitting up with half the family going to church and the other half staying home simply because they are complicated, or different, or hard, or, or, or.
Today after the service someone, who will remain nameless, came up to Brandon and expressed their understanding. The told Brandon that we should bring Zach to church, we should just sit towards the back. When Brandon explained that we could do that but that Zach will still find a way to disrupt the service their response was to tell us they could completely understand what we were going through. They had a brother who had a disability and their mother had to stay home with their brother on Sundays until he died in his 20s and then she could come to Church. So they understood.
I want to make something very clear. I will not stay home with Zachary until he dies and then come to church and I will not accept that as the response of the church as a whole. There are individual churches who have stepped up and taken responsibility but that is not good enough. It's like saying, this church will take this type of person and that church will take that type of person.
What is YOUR church doing? What are YOU doing? If you are not sure what to do or have no idea where to start the first thing you can do, especially in the Chicagoland and Northern Indiana area is call Joni and Friends Chicago. They have people who will help you start a disability ministry in your church, right where you are! Let's stop this now.
Our church does not have a disability ministry. Therefore for the last several years Zachary and I have had to stay home on Sunday mornings from church and Sunday school. We have just basically dealt with this and figured it was something that had to be endured for the sake of ministry. There were Sunday's where I would sneak off to other churches that had programs for children with disabilities but we always ran the risk of offending people in our congregation by my doing this. One time we got "caught" when I went to hear Chuck Colson's daughter speak about her son Max at Willow Creek and there was some displeasure expressed that I was going to another church. So, Zach and I say home.
I'm tired of staying home. I'd like to be at church. I miss worship. I miss seeing people. I miss hearing my husband's sermons in their entirety as opposed to the snippets that get run by me throughout the week. Or watching them on the internet. I've stood by and tried to gently show that we don't quite fit in. We tried to come for Easter but Zach trying to play the instruments didn't go so well so we only lasted 5 minutes.
It's not only us and that is what Brandon and Ali are trying to show with their preaching these last few weeks. There are so many families out there that are isolated on Sunday mornings or splitting up with half the family going to church and the other half staying home simply because they are complicated, or different, or hard, or, or, or.
Today after the service someone, who will remain nameless, came up to Brandon and expressed their understanding. The told Brandon that we should bring Zach to church, we should just sit towards the back. When Brandon explained that we could do that but that Zach will still find a way to disrupt the service their response was to tell us they could completely understand what we were going through. They had a brother who had a disability and their mother had to stay home with their brother on Sundays until he died in his 20s and then she could come to Church. So they understood.
I want to make something very clear. I will not stay home with Zachary until he dies and then come to church and I will not accept that as the response of the church as a whole. There are individual churches who have stepped up and taken responsibility but that is not good enough. It's like saying, this church will take this type of person and that church will take that type of person.
What is YOUR church doing? What are YOU doing? If you are not sure what to do or have no idea where to start the first thing you can do, especially in the Chicagoland and Northern Indiana area is call Joni and Friends Chicago. They have people who will help you start a disability ministry in your church, right where you are! Let's stop this now.
Friday, July 6, 2012
The Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, day....
I'm pricing flights to Australia......
Poor J had a bad day. We've been having more of these lately. He actually ran away from Family Camp when we were in Michigan and got about a half mile down the road before Brandon, a golf cart, a minivan, and two sweet ladies on foot caught up with him. (The sweet ladies on foot were not quite caught up to him but we will include them in the story as they were indeed troopers who braved the unknown in search of where J was, and I'm pretty sure they got a ride back in the golf cart). J's just not handling change right now. If things are different or don't go as planned or deviate from the norm he's having a hard time coping with that. I personally blame the weather, who wouldn't it's freakin' 106 people!, but obviously it's more than that as his blowup at camp was during a nice, cool, temperate, week. Shoot that theory....straight to the moon.
So, what are we left with? PMS? No, wrong gender. A self inflated view of his own self importance and expectation that the world should revolve around him and therefore be a perfect, blissful, video game filled with Mario, Luigi, Megaman, Sonic, and all manner of self created papercrafts? An interesting theory and one that may warrant some further investigation but still feeling there's something more. Autism? Again, an easy answer but in this case are we using it as a cop-out? Hmmmm. Med change? There's a kettle of dynamite. Do we add meds, take them away, increase, decrease, drop everything, go totally homeopathic? Sheesh, I'm not ready to touch that with a 10ft pole yet. Let's let the med idea just sit there for a while. Whew.
So, obviously we are very confused on what is causing this. Maybe we need to look at how to solve it. Ok, suggestions anyone....al;dkfja ;oeildkf ladkf ja;odij;laidf a;ldkfadoifja d;ofia;dsjf ;oasdifj;oiaf;aldfkja;ldfkja; aldkfja;difa;ldkf ja;dfja;sdlfkja;odifja;ldfij a;difojaldfk.....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...wait a minute!! Not everyone at once. One at a time, please. Discipline? We need to be more firm with him and keep him more disciplined? Ok, I'm willing to try this one but I'm confused on its implementation. The running away meltdown happened out of the blue. He was fine and then suddenly he wasn't. There was no action to discipline other than the running away which we did once he was calmed down. Structure? Whew, this is a tough one. We provide structure but the problem is that we can't always control what happens within the structure. Things happen and we have to make changes. If we provide more structure are we creating a "pretend" reality where things are always the same and the way is clear and uncomplicated? Also, we were very structured at camp and again at school where we continue to have these meltdowns. Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm not sure that's it. More computer, tried that, less computer, tried that, more time outside, yep, tried that, less time outside, tried that too.
Today he had a science experiment he was super excited about not work. It crushed him and he fell apart. It was like his best friend had died and he had to go away from the failed experiment and cry in a corner mourning the loss of the experiment. He then had another disappointment when the lunch he was sent with didn't meet his expectations and while it was explained this was more of a snack that was not going to alleviate the depth of his disappointment. The final, crushing blow was when he discovered that mom, who usually brings him home on Friday's since she's at school with Gemini doing therapy with the kids, wasn't going to be able to pick him up because Gemini had thrown up and mom had to take her home. He was going to have to take the Taxi home like he usually did every other day. The final blow, full blown meltdown, fall to the floor, staff needed to step in and help hold him down. The final straw, Australia here we come.
Here's the up-side.(yes there is one. silly) he was able to get it together and made it home in the taxi without beating on his brother. (It did help that he had noise cancelling headphones, thera-putty (that stuff rocks), and a book to help him manage the ride home). And he managed to have a good afternoon.
So where does this leave us? Well, we are still trying to figure out what causes these meltdowns and what to do to make them less likely to happen. To be honest I think a huge part of it is J's not being able to process emotions well. He feels things sooooo deeply. We are working so hard with his OTs and therapists to figure out how to help him but it's really just going to take time.
So, some days are going to be terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad. We will cry, be discouraged, and question ourselves. We will feel guilty for not doing enough and feel guilty that maybe we do too much. Please be patient with us, be patient with J, if you are around when this is going on feel free to ask if there is something you can do but also know that we don't always know what to do ourselves so if we say no it's probably not you. One thing that always helps is ice sticks, if you have any access to ice sticks when J is around and having a full on meltdown if you would be so kind as to find one for me and bring it to us, that would be wonderful.
Thank you.
Australia really is too far away.
Poor J had a bad day. We've been having more of these lately. He actually ran away from Family Camp when we were in Michigan and got about a half mile down the road before Brandon, a golf cart, a minivan, and two sweet ladies on foot caught up with him. (The sweet ladies on foot were not quite caught up to him but we will include them in the story as they were indeed troopers who braved the unknown in search of where J was, and I'm pretty sure they got a ride back in the golf cart). J's just not handling change right now. If things are different or don't go as planned or deviate from the norm he's having a hard time coping with that. I personally blame the weather, who wouldn't it's freakin' 106 people!, but obviously it's more than that as his blowup at camp was during a nice, cool, temperate, week. Shoot that theory....straight to the moon.
So, what are we left with? PMS? No, wrong gender. A self inflated view of his own self importance and expectation that the world should revolve around him and therefore be a perfect, blissful, video game filled with Mario, Luigi, Megaman, Sonic, and all manner of self created papercrafts? An interesting theory and one that may warrant some further investigation but still feeling there's something more. Autism? Again, an easy answer but in this case are we using it as a cop-out? Hmmmm. Med change? There's a kettle of dynamite. Do we add meds, take them away, increase, decrease, drop everything, go totally homeopathic? Sheesh, I'm not ready to touch that with a 10ft pole yet. Let's let the med idea just sit there for a while. Whew.
So, obviously we are very confused on what is causing this. Maybe we need to look at how to solve it. Ok, suggestions anyone....al;dkfja ;oeildkf ladkf ja;odij;laidf a;ldkfadoifja d;ofia;dsjf ;oasdifj;oiaf;aldfkja;ldfkja; aldkfja;difa;ldkf ja;dfja;sdlfkja;odifja;ldfij a;difojaldfk.....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...wait a minute!! Not everyone at once. One at a time, please. Discipline? We need to be more firm with him and keep him more disciplined? Ok, I'm willing to try this one but I'm confused on its implementation. The running away meltdown happened out of the blue. He was fine and then suddenly he wasn't. There was no action to discipline other than the running away which we did once he was calmed down. Structure? Whew, this is a tough one. We provide structure but the problem is that we can't always control what happens within the structure. Things happen and we have to make changes. If we provide more structure are we creating a "pretend" reality where things are always the same and the way is clear and uncomplicated? Also, we were very structured at camp and again at school where we continue to have these meltdowns. Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm not sure that's it. More computer, tried that, less computer, tried that, more time outside, yep, tried that, less time outside, tried that too.
Today he had a science experiment he was super excited about not work. It crushed him and he fell apart. It was like his best friend had died and he had to go away from the failed experiment and cry in a corner mourning the loss of the experiment. He then had another disappointment when the lunch he was sent with didn't meet his expectations and while it was explained this was more of a snack that was not going to alleviate the depth of his disappointment. The final, crushing blow was when he discovered that mom, who usually brings him home on Friday's since she's at school with Gemini doing therapy with the kids, wasn't going to be able to pick him up because Gemini had thrown up and mom had to take her home. He was going to have to take the Taxi home like he usually did every other day. The final blow, full blown meltdown, fall to the floor, staff needed to step in and help hold him down. The final straw, Australia here we come.
Here's the up-side.(yes there is one. silly) he was able to get it together and made it home in the taxi without beating on his brother. (It did help that he had noise cancelling headphones, thera-putty (that stuff rocks), and a book to help him manage the ride home). And he managed to have a good afternoon.
So where does this leave us? Well, we are still trying to figure out what causes these meltdowns and what to do to make them less likely to happen. To be honest I think a huge part of it is J's not being able to process emotions well. He feels things sooooo deeply. We are working so hard with his OTs and therapists to figure out how to help him but it's really just going to take time.
So, some days are going to be terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad. We will cry, be discouraged, and question ourselves. We will feel guilty for not doing enough and feel guilty that maybe we do too much. Please be patient with us, be patient with J, if you are around when this is going on feel free to ask if there is something you can do but also know that we don't always know what to do ourselves so if we say no it's probably not you. One thing that always helps is ice sticks, if you have any access to ice sticks when J is around and having a full on meltdown if you would be so kind as to find one for me and bring it to us, that would be wonderful.
Thank you.
Australia really is too far away.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Learning to love
Since Autism makes your sensory system go haywire and, at least for J, makes your understanding of emotions, your own and other's, difficult at best, it becomes necessary to learn to love. I'm not talking about learning how to know love or even how to experience love. It's really knowing how to express love and/or receive it.
Many mom's from the beginning of their children's lives give kisses. Kisses to the cheek, kisses to the forehead, kisses to the chubby feet, kisses all over. Children learn to associate that action with love. They then, when they get old enough, go to mom and dad and others they wish to show love to and kiss them. They are regularly admonished to "give kisses" and learn that this is something special.
I have been struck lately by how J and Z express love. J is very tenderhearted and looks out for our well being as well as the well being of many other creatures (mice, bugs, ants, worms, flies, you get the picture) and will defend us/them if he senses they are in danger! I try to keep my bug killing a secret from J, I really think he would consider me a mass murderer if he knew how many poor innocent bugs/spiders/ants/and crawly things I've stepped in in my lifetime. I'm sure he'd have to call the FBI. I take this as a show of love even though J doesn't really say that it is. When he's ready for bed or going to school he comes to me for a kiss. It has to be on his forehead and I have to make sure that I don't miss the forehead or it doesn't count. I really can't remember the last time I was allowed to kiss his cheek. He tells me he loves me and I tell him i love him but I always wonder if my love for him is getting through. You read in the Love Languages book that everyone has a love Language but it feels sometimes like the boys are non-verbal when it comes to my figuring out if they are really able to know that I love them.
Z is the really funny one. I worked with him so much to kiss me when I asked for a kiss. Smack, right on the lips. This has produced some rather humorous side effects. For one thing he only wants to kiss people on the lips now. Fine for us, not so fine for the teachers/aides at school. He's trying so hard to express his appreciation and they instead divert him into a high 5. Poor kid. The other thing that developed was that I could ask for a kiss and his tendency to OCD would compel him to stop what he was doing and come give me a kiss. Here's where I lose the mother of the year award (again) I would take advantage of this weakness to lure him out of situations I didn't want him in. If he was balancing on the banister, I'd ask for a kiss, if he was climbing too high into a tree, I'd ask for a kiss, if he was not obeying my call to come get medicine or to go to bed, I'd ask for a kiss. It was a powerful tool let me tell you. I had some guilt attached to it but managed to talk myself out of the guilt as much as possible. However, all things must end and recently the lure of the kiss has lost it's power. I blame the teachers/aides for coming up with the high 5 idea. I think he figured out there were alternatives and mommy asking for a kiss was more of a suggestion. Sigh.
There is one thing that Z does that I think shows something more is in there, although for me it's really just guessing since we can't sit down and have a heart to heart. He will come up and various times throughout the day and give me a kiss on my cheek. Not my lips, I never ask for these kisses. He just comes up and gives them to me. I was the first one he did this with and just recently he has started doing it with others in his sphere who he feels close to. For me, I take it as an expression of love. It may be wishful thinking, and it may be just another quirky thing that Z does that makes me love him so much, but that's my story and I'm sticking with it.
There are many things that Autism has stolen from me and for the longest time I resented that my children's affection was one of those things. I think what I am learning now is that I just have to look a little harder and a little deeper, and a little more creatively. God is faithful, he had to do the same thing with us.
Many mom's from the beginning of their children's lives give kisses. Kisses to the cheek, kisses to the forehead, kisses to the chubby feet, kisses all over. Children learn to associate that action with love. They then, when they get old enough, go to mom and dad and others they wish to show love to and kiss them. They are regularly admonished to "give kisses" and learn that this is something special.
I have been struck lately by how J and Z express love. J is very tenderhearted and looks out for our well being as well as the well being of many other creatures (mice, bugs, ants, worms, flies, you get the picture) and will defend us/them if he senses they are in danger! I try to keep my bug killing a secret from J, I really think he would consider me a mass murderer if he knew how many poor innocent bugs/spiders/ants/and crawly things I've stepped in in my lifetime. I'm sure he'd have to call the FBI. I take this as a show of love even though J doesn't really say that it is. When he's ready for bed or going to school he comes to me for a kiss. It has to be on his forehead and I have to make sure that I don't miss the forehead or it doesn't count. I really can't remember the last time I was allowed to kiss his cheek. He tells me he loves me and I tell him i love him but I always wonder if my love for him is getting through. You read in the Love Languages book that everyone has a love Language but it feels sometimes like the boys are non-verbal when it comes to my figuring out if they are really able to know that I love them.
Z is the really funny one. I worked with him so much to kiss me when I asked for a kiss. Smack, right on the lips. This has produced some rather humorous side effects. For one thing he only wants to kiss people on the lips now. Fine for us, not so fine for the teachers/aides at school. He's trying so hard to express his appreciation and they instead divert him into a high 5. Poor kid. The other thing that developed was that I could ask for a kiss and his tendency to OCD would compel him to stop what he was doing and come give me a kiss. Here's where I lose the mother of the year award (again) I would take advantage of this weakness to lure him out of situations I didn't want him in. If he was balancing on the banister, I'd ask for a kiss, if he was climbing too high into a tree, I'd ask for a kiss, if he was not obeying my call to come get medicine or to go to bed, I'd ask for a kiss. It was a powerful tool let me tell you. I had some guilt attached to it but managed to talk myself out of the guilt as much as possible. However, all things must end and recently the lure of the kiss has lost it's power. I blame the teachers/aides for coming up with the high 5 idea. I think he figured out there were alternatives and mommy asking for a kiss was more of a suggestion. Sigh.
There is one thing that Z does that I think shows something more is in there, although for me it's really just guessing since we can't sit down and have a heart to heart. He will come up and various times throughout the day and give me a kiss on my cheek. Not my lips, I never ask for these kisses. He just comes up and gives them to me. I was the first one he did this with and just recently he has started doing it with others in his sphere who he feels close to. For me, I take it as an expression of love. It may be wishful thinking, and it may be just another quirky thing that Z does that makes me love him so much, but that's my story and I'm sticking with it.
There are many things that Autism has stolen from me and for the longest time I resented that my children's affection was one of those things. I think what I am learning now is that I just have to look a little harder and a little deeper, and a little more creatively. God is faithful, he had to do the same thing with us.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Eat at Joe's
Tonight Joe's Crab Shack had a special event where a percentage of your bill would go towards Autism Speaks. We usually go to Sonic on Wednesday nights because they have Wacky Pack Wednesday where all the kids meals are only $1.99. Whoo Hooo! So today when my wonderful husband asked if I wanted to go to Joe's I thought he was asking me out on a date. Nope, turns out he wanted to support Autism. I was happy to do that too.
So we load up the kids and head to Joe's. To be honest this was a bit out of our comfort zone as we usually try to stick with fast food or buffets since Z has a hard time understanding why, when he tells the waiter he wants macaroni and cheese, it takes so long to actually get the stuff, but we were open to giving it a try. So armed with ipads (Z), nintendo 3ds'(J), and nerves of steele (Me), we entered Joe's.
At first it wasn't so bad. There were relatively few people there and it was pretty quiet. They seated us at a table which made me wonder for a second if we should ask to be moved to a booth for better Z containment but our waiter had already left so we decided to stick it out. Z loved the decorations and wanted to run around a touch the 5ft fish, spin around on the swivel chairs in the bar (did you know you are not allowed to sit in on a swivel bar stool if you are under 21? I think that is silly considering that if you are drinking your chances of falling off a swivel stool are much higher than if you are sober and most kids want to sit in the swivel chairs and they are under 21. I really think they should rethink that idea, but I digress). For the most part we did ok, Z ordered macaroni and cheese, J got calamari and french fries and Brandon and I got various types of shrimp.
Z tired quickly of the restaurant when he discovered his needing to wait until age 21 to partake of the swivel chairs so he began to ask loudly for the macaroni and cheese. We kept explaining to him they were cooking it and to be patient. He actually did really good with the exception of the time where he wanted to check out the bucket of food of the older, single, male, diner at the table next to us. I saw Z head towards the bucket and my first thought was "oh please grab him before he beheads a lobster", my second on was "please don't let Z start playing with the lobster". Luckily he just wanted to see what was in the bucket and Brandon managed to pull him back to our table. Whew, crisis averted.
A little while later our food arrived. Poor Z took one look at the soupy macaroni and cheese and pushed it away. Oh shoot, crisis mode. I quickly turned to the waiter and asked him to immediately put in chicken strips for Z. He was such a sweetie and was so good about doing that. I was fine paying for two kids meals I just wanted poor Z to get something to eat, bless his baby heart. The ipad was keeping his occupied at this time and not too long later they brought out his chicken fingers which he quickly ate with abandon.
After finishing his chicken Z was done and so was I so I took him to the car while Brandon and J waited for the bill and got some of our leftovers to go. Brandon came to the car where I waited to hear what our final bill was. Brandon looked at me with moist eyes and told me there was no bill. The older, single, gentleman who had almost had his food inspected/eaten/played with my Z bought our dinner for us. I was floored. The waterworks started and I was totally amazed. We had just been to camp last week and talked about how many times we get so much unwanted, negative attention and here we were at a place where the man could have been annoyed, irritated, and angry at Z's interference with his dinner and instead paid for our family to eat out.
It was an amazing experience.
So we load up the kids and head to Joe's. To be honest this was a bit out of our comfort zone as we usually try to stick with fast food or buffets since Z has a hard time understanding why, when he tells the waiter he wants macaroni and cheese, it takes so long to actually get the stuff, but we were open to giving it a try. So armed with ipads (Z), nintendo 3ds'(J), and nerves of steele (Me), we entered Joe's.
At first it wasn't so bad. There were relatively few people there and it was pretty quiet. They seated us at a table which made me wonder for a second if we should ask to be moved to a booth for better Z containment but our waiter had already left so we decided to stick it out. Z loved the decorations and wanted to run around a touch the 5ft fish, spin around on the swivel chairs in the bar (did you know you are not allowed to sit in on a swivel bar stool if you are under 21? I think that is silly considering that if you are drinking your chances of falling off a swivel stool are much higher than if you are sober and most kids want to sit in the swivel chairs and they are under 21. I really think they should rethink that idea, but I digress). For the most part we did ok, Z ordered macaroni and cheese, J got calamari and french fries and Brandon and I got various types of shrimp.
Z tired quickly of the restaurant when he discovered his needing to wait until age 21 to partake of the swivel chairs so he began to ask loudly for the macaroni and cheese. We kept explaining to him they were cooking it and to be patient. He actually did really good with the exception of the time where he wanted to check out the bucket of food of the older, single, male, diner at the table next to us. I saw Z head towards the bucket and my first thought was "oh please grab him before he beheads a lobster", my second on was "please don't let Z start playing with the lobster". Luckily he just wanted to see what was in the bucket and Brandon managed to pull him back to our table. Whew, crisis averted.
A little while later our food arrived. Poor Z took one look at the soupy macaroni and cheese and pushed it away. Oh shoot, crisis mode. I quickly turned to the waiter and asked him to immediately put in chicken strips for Z. He was such a sweetie and was so good about doing that. I was fine paying for two kids meals I just wanted poor Z to get something to eat, bless his baby heart. The ipad was keeping his occupied at this time and not too long later they brought out his chicken fingers which he quickly ate with abandon.
After finishing his chicken Z was done and so was I so I took him to the car while Brandon and J waited for the bill and got some of our leftovers to go. Brandon came to the car where I waited to hear what our final bill was. Brandon looked at me with moist eyes and told me there was no bill. The older, single, gentleman who had almost had his food inspected/eaten/played with my Z bought our dinner for us. I was floored. The waterworks started and I was totally amazed. We had just been to camp last week and talked about how many times we get so much unwanted, negative attention and here we were at a place where the man could have been annoyed, irritated, and angry at Z's interference with his dinner and instead paid for our family to eat out.
It was an amazing experience.
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